Alright?

Today, we’re attempting to accomplish a feat that no other human has ever accomplished before: We’re going to try and cover all of the best FPL forwards in a single piece of prose.

Of course, other species have already summited this peak; most recently in 2011, when, on a beach in Koh Samui, the footprints of an oblivious sandfly happened to transcribe the virtues of every FPL forward. Sadly, it was washed away by an overzealous wave just three seconds later.

Our attempt is aided by some convenient facts:

1) Erling Haaland should be locked, which means we’re really only picking two other forwards here.

2) There’s an unusually small number of bargain bucket options.

Here goes nothing.

Lazy Summary: There just aren’t that many sub-£6.0m forwards to like.

The FPL hipsters are struggling this year. The moustache twiddlers are stumped. The vinyl collectors are scratching their beanie-laden heads. Even the bloke with the mini-disc player is struggling to find a viable £4.5m forward.

For one reason or another, the powers that be in FPL Towers sat down for their Forward Planning meeting and decided, as a first agenda item, that there shall be no immediate appeal in the £4.5-£5.5m forward range.

Of course, some appeal will surface after a few gameweeks. The promoted teams will, presumably, score at some point, and there’s a solid chance that their forwards will be involved in those goals. Returns will happen.

If we had to pick (we don’t, but work with us here), we’d probably go for Hull’s Oli McBurnie (£5.5m). Like apparently all of Hull’s players, he once played for Sheffield United in the Premier League, and wasn’t terrible.

Everton’s answer to Mary-Kate and Ashley, i.e. Thierno Barry and Beto, are also £5.5m each, and you never know, one of them may surprise us.

But it’s slim pickings. Sorry, David Dickinson, but we won’t be dwelling on these bargains for much longer because, for just a bit more money, our options really start to improve.

Lazy Summary: Calvert-Lewin, Brobbey and Solanke.

Blimey, strap in for this one. Much like the £6.0m midfielders, there’s a huge number of £6.0m forwards with the potential to provide outsized returns this season.

Dominic Calvert-Lewin | Leeds | 22.7% owned.

Calvert-Lewin scored 14 goals last season. No £6.0m forward scored more.

It was actually a slight underperformance from an xG (expected goals) of 15.57 - which was also the third-highest from any player in the league last season. He’s nailed to start, Leeds’ penalty taker and also scored two goals against Liverpool in a preseason friendly.

Be honest: If you knew nothing about this player other than his stats from last season, you’d surely be prepared to part with more than just £6.0m to own him.

His first five fixtures: NFO (A), BRE (H), BHA (A), NEW (H), CRY (H)

Brian Brobbey | Sunderland | 20.2% owned.

Here’s to you, Brian Brobbertson.

Brobbey is less exciting than Calvert-Lewin when it comes to underlying stats last season (just 6.02xG from 1920 minutes), but his three goals at the World Cup have done wonders for his PR, and his 20% ownership now feels oddly justified.

Whilst we haven’t spoken to every single one of his owners, the consensus amongst them, we reckon, is that Brobbey is just a really good centre-forward. He’s got Ipswich to open the season, and even though his minutes were patchy last season, he’s managed to establish himself as a starter (in the Sunderland team, that is - not like calamari or some duck liver pâté).

A word of warning: After IPS (A) and FUL (H), he’s got BRE (A), ARS (H) and MCI (A).

Dominic Solanke | Spurs | 2.6% owned.

A bit more fringe, this one, but recent comments about Solanke from De Zerbi have raised eyebrows:

“I want to keep him, because I like him as a player, he's complete as a striker. He can attack the space, he can cover the ball, he's able with the ball to link, he's able to score 15-20 goals in the Premier League.”

Essentially what he’s saying here is, “If I’m lucky, he’ll be as good as Dominic Calvert-Lewin”.

Solanke’s main issue is minutes. He only got 997 of ‘em last season. But somewhere in there is a player capable of a 19-goal season. We saw it in the 23/24 season. Who knows, we might just see it again.

His first five fixtures: BRE (A), NEW (H), NFO (A), EVE (H), AVL (H).

On our radar:

Igor Jesus | Nottingham Forest | 5% owned - Jesus has been excellent this preseason, scoring in each of Forest’s three friendlies. The ever-present threat from Chris Wood is real, but he’s one to watch.

Evanilson | Bournemouth | 2% owned - Even in what most consider to be a “bad” season for him last campaign, he managed 13 attacking returns. Underperformed significantly - just six goals from 10.64xG. If he can start finishing again, who knows.

Gonzalo García | Fulham | 0.7% owned - Call us crazy, but it’s our assessment that if you come to the Premier League from Real Madrid, you’re probably not completely shite. Time will tell.

Lazy Summary: Pedro, Gyökeres and Mateta.

Here’s an odd quirk: There are only two £6.5m forwards this year (Nicolas Jackson and Jean-Philippe Mateta).

But it gets odder: There are only two £7.0m forwards, too (Omar Marmoush and Benjamin Šeško). It means we’re grouping this price bracket together with the £7.5m forwards, of which there are four.

João Pedro | Chelsea | 54.4% owned | £7.5m

We reckon if you surveyed 100 FPL managers at the end of last season and asked them to name their front three for Gameweek 1 this season, fewer than 54.4 of them would’ve voted for Pedro.

Part of Pedro’s popularity is explained by his reasonable price. He had 24 attacking returns last season, and Chelsea don’t have to contend with European football this season either, so £7.5m feels decent. He also scored a hat-trick in a recent friendly, which is catnip to a hungry FPL manager.

But he is prone to bouts of footballing melancholy, which manifest in him doing sod all. Remember last season when his lack of shooting became a meme? Indeed, Pedro’s average shots per 90 were below 1, which is deeply concerning for a bloke who’s meant to spend most of his time trying to score goals.

Look, he’s our favourite £7.5m forward pick. But his lack of shots, combined with uncertainty around how he’ll be used by Alonso and the fact he’s not the first-choice penalty taker, means the 54% ownership feels inflated to us. We’ll probably still own him, because we’re wimps.

His first five fixtures: FUL (A), BHA (H), ARS (A), HUL (H), BRE (A)

Viktor Gyökeres | Arsenal | 13.1% owned | £7.5m.

It’s kind of weird that Gyökeres scored 14 goals last season. When did these goals happen? Did anyone actually see them?

Anyway, he did. Just one goal fewer than Pedro, and in 400 fewer minutes.

There’s a lot to like about Gyökeres - not least that he plays for, on current form, the best team in the league. The problem is minutes. With Kai Havertz lanking about in the peripherals, checking the Arsenal line-up is never going to be relaxing when you’ve spent a Pedro’s worth of money on their centre-forward. If he plays regularly, he’s intriguing.

His first five fixtures: COV (H), AVL (A), CHE (H), SUN (A), BHA (A)

Jean-Philippe Mateta | Crystal Palace | 7% owned | £6.5m

That Mateta is still a pick in FPL is a modern miracle, given he was virtually out the door back in January. His move to AC Milan fell through, and now Crystal Palace are trying to extend his contract to 2030.

His future remains uncertain, but one thing isn’t: His capacity to score an acceptable amount of FPL points for his price.

Mateta hasn’t failed to reach a double-figure goal tally in his last three Premier League seasons, and whilst last season was marred by transfer speculation and injury, if he starts in Gameweek 1, he could quickly become a useful, affordable replacement for Pedro when he inevitably disappoints us all.

His first five fixtures: EVE (A), MCI (H), FUL (A), IPS (H), LEE (A)

On our radar:

Kai Havertz | Arsenal | 4% owned | £7.5m - Only played 577 minutes last season, but if he can stay fit and start regularly, he’s a decent pick.

Benjamin Šeško | Man United | £7.0m - Scored 11 goals last season in 1,630 minutes. A very efficient return. He’s an injury doubt for Gameweek 1, but could quickly turn into an exciting (and reasonably priced) pick if he can nail down more minutes.

Lazy Summary: We’re covering all of them, so have some of that.

There are four forwards in the £8.0m+ price bracket. One of them is Erling Haaland and, in our opinion, he should be included in your Gameweek 1 squad. Don’t be tempted to “see what you can build” without him - it’s a dangerous game, because it will look sensational.

In isolation, Haaland is not great value. The reason he’s a necessity is that he’ll also be your captain most gameweeks. That’s how you justify his extortionate wage demands.

Anyway, let’s look at the other semi-premium options.

Alexander Isak | Liverpool | 11.2% owned | £9.0m.

Isak scored 23 goals in the 24/25 season. We know he’s good. Let’s park that for now.

Last season he only played 694 minutes, and didn’t exactly tear things up in that time. Three goals and one assist is hardly scintillating, but it was an injury-riddled season at a new club. We’ll let him off.

Isak’s price is a reflection of what most people - including, apparently, the market-makers at FPL Towers - expect from Isak, assuming he can stay fit, and assuming Iraola’s style suits him.

There are a lot of ifs here, but a few factors play into his hands: Firstly, Hugo Ekitike is out for a long time (expected back at the end of the year), which solidifies Isak’s hold on the starting XI. Secondly, there’s a chance he’ll be on penalties, now that Salah has departed.

£9.0m is a hefty price to pay for so much speculation, but the upside is obvious.

His first five fixtures: NEW (A), NFO (H), IPS (A), FUL (H), BOU (A)

Ollie Watkins | Aston Villa | 12.5% owned | £8.0m.

Another player with plenty of FPL pedigree, it’s easy to forget that Watkins returned 16 goals and four assists last season - a respectable tally.

Watkins probably deserves more attention. It was only a few seasons ago that he managed 37 attacking returns, and any player capable of that - particularly one who hasn’t really had a bad season since - should always be a serious consideration.

Watkins will, we suspect, hover under the radar for a few weeks, then he’ll score a brace, and everyone will remember that yes, this Watkins chap is actually quite a good player. But, unlike an actual party, nobody will judge you if you want to get to this party earlier than everyone else.

His first five fixtures: BHA (A), ARS (H), HUL (A), NFO (H), TOT (A)

Igor Thiago | Brentford | 15.9% owned | £8.0m.

The main argument against buying Thiago is that eight of his 22 Premier League goals last season were penalties. The narrative is that Brentford probably won’t win as many penalties this season.

The counter, of course, is that even without penalties, 14 open-play goals is nothing to sniff at (unless you’re allergic to open-play goals). Plus, y’know, Brentford will win some penalties.

He’s a 90-minute man who is guaranteed penalties: Two attributes that neither Isak nor Watkins can boast.

One thing to note about Thiago is that, of his 22 goals last season, only three were scored against a top-five side (two goals against Amorim’s Man United, one goal against a defensively vulnerable Liverpool). For context, he scored a combined five goals against Everton alone, and a combined six goals against the relegated sides. That means that 50% of his goals last season were against a relegated side…or Everton.

There’s nothing wrong with that, as such, but it’s worth keeping in mind if you’re planning on playing him in every game. He’s not playing Everton, or any strong favourites for relegation, in his opening five.

His first five fixtures: TOT (H), LEE (A), SUN (H), BOU (A), CHE (H)

The Professor’s front line is currently:

The astute amongst you will have noticed the odd one out.

There’s no knowing how long Solanke will stick around in The Professor’s draft. Maybe he’ll make it all the way to Gameweek 1.

But The Professor is in tinker mode at the moment. As he said on a recent pod, your Gameweek 1 draft often becomes a holding pen for your watchlist players at this point in preseason.

Things will change, but for now, he’s eliminating the risk posed by not owning Pedro or Haaland, whilst hedging his bets on an improved Spurs attack under De Zerbi.

Back on Monday.

Stay lazy,

The LazyFPL Team.